Five movies where you didn’t get what you paid for

When movie price are like $47 per ticket you expect to be entertained. Action movies ought to blow up every damned thing in Los Angeles (or New York, whatever) comedies should make you laugh until you pee your pants. In that light I give you five movies that really didn’t give you what you wanted.

Simon Birch. If your movie poster even mentions Jim Carrey then your movie ought to at least be a little funny. I used to go to the movies a lot when I was stationed in Virginia and the movie poster said Jim Carrey, and we wanted a comedy. Little did we know that this depressing melodrama centered on a dwarf 12 year-old whose family and pastor hate him and then he drowns. Seriously.

Legend. Even the biggest stars have duds. Legend starring Tom Cruise as Jack o’ the Green and, here’s a hint, Tim Curry wasn’t even a good movie when I was 9 years old. From Wikipedia, “the Lord of Darkness (Tim Curry) instructs his goblin servant Blix (Alice Playten) to locate the two unicorns that roam in the nearby forest and remove their horns. If the unicorns die and their horns are removed, the Lord of Darkness can ensure that dawn never again breaks, and sunshine never returns.” What?

The Adventures of Pluto Nash. I hate to pile on Eddie Murphy but this movie generally appears on everyone’s list of the worst financial failures ever, possibly because it was one of the worst movies ever. The fact that it was expensive only makes it suck more.

The Singing Detective. So obscure I actually stumbled across it by accident, this movie starred and was produced by Mel Gibson, who by 2003 was a fairly bankable star. But when your protagonist is “suffering from the skin disease psoriasis and a crippling arthritis” (thank you Wiki) you may be headed for trouble even with Katie Holmes, Robert Downey Jr., and Adrien Brody. While spending just $8 million to make this movie is fairly impressive, it becomes a lot less impressive when your film grosses $337,000.

Gigli. This movie had an established big budget star, and a Hollywood sex symbol. With Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, how could you go wrong, so very, very, very wrong? On Rotten Tomatoes.com 152 of 162 people rated it negatively.